There's a New Deputy in Town: My Application to the Sheriff's Office

Guess what isn't as easy as sliding off a greasy hog backwards. Finding a job in our soon-to-be home of Athens, GA. Tired of piecing together temporary adjunct teaching gigs, I've decided to only apply for full-time positions that offer benefits. Pickins are slim. I'm either grossly underqualified ("must have five years' experience constructing dioramas of swampland") or slightly overqualified ("primary job requirement is sitting for extended periods"). I've ruled out public high school, because I don't have my state certification yet, and I can't seem to find a private academy that doesn't require a letter of recommendation from my pastor. I don't have a pastor. I do have a phone interview with a travel agency on Thursday that looks promising. My plan for next year (as mapped out on my vision board using cut-outs from back issues of W magazine, which lends my goals an air of haute-couture) is to work an enjoyable 9 to 5, and in my free time, write a collection of personal essays. I also want to construct a catio (a patio for cats).


Because applying for jobs is exhausting and frequently unrewarding, I like to release stress by writing cover letters and expressing interest in positions I don't even want. I know, I know, it sounds like a big waste of time, but trust me -- it's really gratifying. Especially when you follow through to the end and attach the document in an actual email to HR.

Dear Sheriff's Office,

I can't tell you how thrilled I was to see your posting for Clarke-County Deputy Sheriff. My earliest memory is of wanting to become a Sheriff. Having long abandoned that dream because I couldn't meet the necessary requirements, I'm now eager to become a Deputy Sheriff.

I grew up watching Dukes of Hazard. That show planted the seed of civic duty in my fertile child's mind, and I feel that I have the necessary character, qualifications, and driving record to prevent the squirrely machinations of your county's Boss Hogg and Roscoe.

For the past two years, I have been teaching rhetoric and poetry at a small private liberal arts college in Illinois. I plan to bring the same enthusiastic focus to jail sentencing as I do to sentence construction.

One of my favorite books is Crime and Punishment. Dostoyevsky really gives voice to my correctional facility philosophy. I believe that a person's conscience is discipline enough. As a spearhead of Clarke County law enforcement, I would devote less time to incarcerating criminals and more time to the DeBeauty Sheriff Program.

The DeBeauty Sheriff Program would call for erecting beautiful things in public places. For example, a well-situated statue of a mama cat licking her newborn kittens -- in a bank plaza, for example -- would act as a deterrent to potential armed robbers while simultaneously making wanted armed robbers feel bad about themselves. Other examples of beautiful things could include a non-denominational Mary Magdalene made entirely out of sugar cubes, or a mural of the Georgia Bulldog cheerleaders superimposed onto a spray-painted reproduction of Monet's Water Lilies (each cheerleader would stand on her own pad or perhaps even wear it as a hat).

Although I have no prior experience in maintaining jail security or transporting prisoners, I believe I can perform the necessary functions to ensure the safety and well-being of inmates, employees, and visitors. In fact, this very morning I passed the 15-passenger vehicle road test and am now certified in the state of Iowa to drive a maxi-van full of summer campers to the Anamosa State Penitentiary Museum. I have planned this excursion, unbeknownst to the other staffers or kids, to further my Deputy Sheriff's education. The museum's "From the Gallows to the World Series" exhibit has much to teach a starless rookie like me.

My gentle exterior belies a rough and tumble interior. My BA in English, MA in Creative Writing, and MFA in Poetry have created an almost bullish need for justice. Assuming I pass the unspecified entry level physical ability test (I run an eleven minute mile and almost always take the optional leg extension in standing head to knee pose), I can see no more capable candidate for the position of Deputy Sheriff.

I look forward to hearing from you soon and discussing the job in further detail.

Sincerely,
Becca